We often see ourselves preparing for guests by cleaning the house, getting dressed and making sure the kitchen is stocked with food and drinks; however, when new parents are going through the transition into parenthood they shouldn’t be caring for their visitors. Most of the time visitors enter the family home to meet the new baby and often forget about the parents. Visitors need to be aware that you, the gestational parent, are still healing, especially throughout the first 40 days.
A feather represents the delicate stage parents are in when a new baby is brought home. Allow this feather to be saturated with support whether that is by preparing a meal, dropping off a gift, answering a question, being present in the moment to listen, or allowing parents to have a few moments to themselves. Remember that each family has a healing experience that is unique to them.
To honour the postpartum period, here are some ways gestational parents can accept or decline visitors while allowing them time to heal:
If visitors are coming over to your space, allow them to come in but you be seated on your bed or on the couch, somewhere that is comfortable for you. The last place you want to be is around the dining room table, sitting on wooden chairs when you have stitches or recovering from a tear. Make sure you are comfortable, your guest will make adaptations.
Leave a note on the door. If you are not ready to have visitors enter your house, leave a note on the door. Say something like “ we appreciate your support during this transition; however, we are not ready for guests to enter our house yet. If you would like to leave a gift or food, please place it in this box, and we appreciate your gesture”. You are simply allowing support from family & friends, while still maintaining your boundaries. Especially with Covid-19, this is an easy way to show people you still will receive support without people entering your house.
If visitors are coming over and you need to feed the baby, ask them if they wouldn’t mind doing the dishes in the kitchen or a quick tidy of a certain room. This is a great tool to use for support because you may not want to openly feed your baby with others around.
Ask visitors to come at a time that works for you. If you need to sleep during the time a friend is supposed to come over, send them a quick message asking to reschedule.
Don’t be afraid to say no- if you have plans set don’t be afraid to cancel them.
Use the time to your advantage. If family or friends are coming over to meet the baby and the baby is settled, use this time to have a shower, have a sitz bath, eat a meal in silence, have a cup of tea, take a walk by yourself or have a quick nap to become rejuvenated again. I’m sure family or friends will enjoy the extra baby snuggles and you will appreciate the small break.
Family & friends can also honour the postpartum period by:
If the parents are allowing you to enter their space, bring a nourishing meal with you. The new parents may not of asked for it but they will appreciate the kind gesture. Along with this, if they do not want visitors at the time, drop off a meal or a gift at the front door.
Allow the new parents to invite you in, don’t just assume since there is a new baby that you are welcomed right away. The transition into parenthood is huge, allowing the time for new parents to adjust is important. Let them a message or call you when they are ready for people to meet the baby.
Offer to help out with the To-Do list. Do the dishes, change the laundry over, take out the garbage, or even walk a dog. Removing one thing from the parent’s list each day can help relieve stress.
Set up a meal train. Get a group of friends and family to set up a meal train so the new parents can enjoy a home-cooked meal for a few weeks.
Lastly, gestational parents remember your rings of support:
Who: who is going to show up for you? Parents, friends, colleges etc.
What: what are they available for? Do they want to hold the baby or are they willing to listen and allow you to express yourself?
Where: where is the help coming from? Are they coming to support you because you needed to ask for it or did they just show up because they had a feeling you could use it?
When: when is support available? If you need help is someone going to drop what they are doing to come to help you or will it be hours/days before you receive the support.
How: how are they going to help you? Are they going to show up on your doorstep, send a package or schedule a time to chat in-person/online.
Why: why are people helping? Did you ask them to help or did they show up uninvited?
By thinking of your rings of support you are allowing yourself to determine who is actually supporting you and who is causing an inconvenience. When building your support system, base it on your needs and not others.
Gestational parents’ bodies are going through a phase of healing, their mind and heart also need to settle into their new ways. The fourth trimester is one that is often forgotten. Remember that support is viewed in many different ways and by looking at support in a different viewpoint, the feather is slowly being more saturated.
-Brielle Pedersen-Skene
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